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Mysql prepare'd queries aren't cached, ever.

There once was a database named MySQL.

It had a query cache, becuase caching helps performance.

It also had queries you could "prepare" on the server-side, with the hope that your database server can make some smart decisions what to do with a query you're going to execute N times during this session.

I told mysql to enable it's caching and use a magic value of 1gb for memory storage. Much to my surprise, I see the following statistic after testing an application:

mysql> show status like 'Qcache_%';
| Variable_name           | Value      |
| Qcache_free_blocks      | 1          | 
| Qcache_free_memory      | 1073732648 | 
| Qcache_hits             | 0          | 
| Qcache_inserts          | 0          | 
| Qcache_lowmem_prunes    | 0          | 
| Qcache_not_cached       | 814702     | 
| Qcache_queries_in_cache | 0          | 
| Qcache_total_blocks     | 1          | 
8 rows in set (0.00 sec)
Why are so many (all!?) of the queries not cached? Surely I must be doing something wrong. Reading the doc on caching explained what I can only understand as a complete lapse of judgement on the part of MySQL developers:
Note: The query cache is not used for server-side prepared statements. If you're using server-side prepared statements consider that these statement won't be satisfied by the query cache. See Section 22.2.4, C API Prepared Statements.
Any database performance guide anywhere will tell you to use prepared statements. They're useful from both a security and performance perspective.

Security, becuase you feed the prepared query data and it knows what data types to expect, erroring when you pass something invalid. It also will handle strings properly, so you worry less about sql injection. You also get convenience, in that you don't have to escape your data.

Performance, becuase telling the database what you are about to do lets it optimize the query.

This performance is defeated, however, if you want to use caching. So, I've got a dillema! There are two mutually-exclusive (because MySQL sucks) performance-enhancing options available to me: using prepared statements or using caching.

Prepared statements give you two performance benefits (maybe more?). The first, is the server will parse the query string when you prepare it, and execute the "parsed" version whenever you invoke it. This saves parsing time; parsing text is expensive. The second, is that if your database is nice, it will try to optimize your queries before execution. Using prepared statements will permit the server to optimize query execution once, and then remember it. Good, right?

Prepared statements improve CPU utilization, in that the cpu can work less becuase you're teaching the database about what's coming next. Cached query responses improve disk utilization, and depending on implementation should vastly outperform most (all?) of the gains from prepared statements. This assumption I am making is based on the assumption that disk is slow and cpu is fast.

Cached queries will (should?) cache results of complex queries. This means that a select query with multiple, complex joins should be cached mapping the query string to the result. No amount of statement preparation will improve complex queries becuase they still have to hit disk. Large joins require lots of disk access, and therefore are slow. Remembering "This complex query" returned "this happy result" is fast regardless of whether or not it's stored on disk or in memory. Caching also saves cpu utilization.

I can't believe preparing a query will prevent it from being pulled from the query cache, but this is clearly the case. Thanks, MySQL, for making a stupid design decision.

Maybe there's some useful JDBC (oh yeah, the app I'm testing is written in Java) function that'll give you all the convenience/security benefits of prepare, but without the server-side bits, and thus let you use the query cache.